Progression Through Positivity
A Brother’s Battle with Anxiety
In early 2010 my twin brother, Greg, was going through the most difficult period of his life. His marriage was falling apart, his business was failing, and he was in serious financial trouble. This situation would be insufferable for anyone however, Greg was also afflicted by a severe case of generalized anxiety and depression. He was so often gripped with fear that he could not be by himself at anytime, and was only be comfortable around a specific handful of people. He had tried various therapists and medications but they only exasperated his anxiety.
I knew that he was at his limit and I felt that there was no one else who could help him. In early 2010 I left my life in Australia and headed back to Canada to be by his side. At the time, I knew that one way to help someone who is dominated by extremely negative thoughts and emotions is by putting them into a positive environment. Greg and I moved in together and so began his road to recovery. Throughout the next 6 months I would finally come to understand that I could never truly understand what it means to live with the despair, grief and pain associated with this affliction.
Through this series we hope to show other anxiety sufferers that living a normal life again is a very real possibility despite how hopeless life may seem. Because I had never been through the mental anguish of generalized anxiety, I felt that this photo essay should contain commentary from the perspective of both myself and my brother.
Evan: Upon my arrival in Canada, I was immediately made aware of Greg’s utter loneliness and hopelessness. It was evident that a great deal of emotional healing needed to be done.
Greg: I'm looking out at the water and I feel uncertain about where life is going to take me. It was a great day for contemplating my situation. There had been so much heart ache and loss from my separation and although I was happy to be in such a beautiful place I couldn’t help but miss my son, my wife, and the peace and happiness that was, at this time, completely non-existent.
Evan: For the first few weeks he spent much of his time alone. It seemed that he was afraid of any human contact. Even when friends came over he would retreat to the relative sanctuary of his room.
Greg: My room was the only "safe zone" for me. I was confined to my mental illusions that weren’t even true but to the mind it doesn’t really matter. Any old illusion will suffice. It’s amazing what can make us feel comfortable when we are weak and desperately searching for something tangible to hold onto. I was in another place and it was foreign to me. This room was the hole in the ground that I wanted to crawl into and forget about everything that had transpired and was continuing to take place. Not being able to see my son was devastating but it taught me patience. I continued to wait inside my room and I isolated myself from those around me. All that stood in the way of my illusory safety net was a fabric curtain hung across the door.
Evan: There are a myriad of symptoms associated with anxiety but Greg was certain that these were caused by an unknown, underlying physical condition. The book on the ground has a sketch he drew of his thyroid gland, showing me its apparent abnormality. He had previously had it checked out twice but the doctors could find nothing wrong. Despite this, he was not convinced and continued to research for answers on the internet.
Greg: Internet research and anxiety disorders go hand in hand. I was looking for the answer to my health problems because my symptoms were relentless in their ability to break me down and keep me locked up inside my head. I woke often with terrible hypoglycaemia which was so bad that I slept with a bottle of honey beside my bed. I would often wake confused and my body would be shake. After a while I just got used to feeling like shit. When you've had issues with anxiety, doctors tend to write off any symptom as being related to anxiety. As I look back on this from a clearer perspective, anxiety does have a lot to do with the disabling physical symptoms. I did however feel that the healthcare system was completely flawed and if I wanted answers and a real cure, I was going to have to look for it myself. To this day, my frustration with the current medical system still remains.
Evan: Following the break-up of his marriage, Greg’s ex-wife refused to allow him to see his son Addison. This obviously made it very difficult for him to remain positive. This photo was taken the first time he saw his son after 6 weeks of no contact.
Greg: I don’t know what posses people to be so cruel. My wife left me and took my son away. I cannot describe the pain of not being able to be with my baby boy. Six weeks went by without him. The six weeks were almost intolerable and I had no power over the situation. To see him in the door for the first time after my life had been ripped apart was painful. He came towards me and I could tell just how excited he had been to see me. I thought he would have forgotten about me and would be distant from me. But no, he ran to me and held me with so much love that I couldn’t contain my tears of absolute sadness and joy. It taught me something about the human heart; as adults we can become jaded and forget how to love unconditionally. My son taught me to remember that pure love and I will never forget the wisdom that I felt emanating from a 2 year old boy.
Evan: One of the first steps to helping Greg regain his confidence was exercise. The frequent heart palpitations he experienced made him fearful of pushing himself physically. After a few weeks of training he broke that mental barrier. Here he is sparing with our friend and housemate Ron, who was also integral in Greg’s recovery.
Greg: I really miss our martial art sessions. I had come a long way from hiding in my room and being completely afraid, to engaging in two and a half hour long workouts. When Ron decided to come and live with us I was petrified. The moment he would enter the house I would hide in my room. At this point I was getting healthier, my confidence was starting to build, and I was more motivated than ever before.
Evan: Greg’s ex-wife did not want him to be alone with Addison due to his frequent panic attacks. After going through the custody mediation for his son, Greg was only permitted to see Addison on weekends under the supervision of our parents in their house. Here, they are taking a nap together in our parent’s bed.
Greg: The picture speaks for itself. I love my son.
Evan: Severe anxiety often leads to severe depression. Even after a couple months of noticeable progress, he still experienced bouts of negative thoughts and feelings.
Greg: Me still in my room. I didn’t want my picture taken. I just wanted to be left alone to my guitar, strumming the sad songs of loss that I had written.
Evan: After a few months of training, Greg was back in amazing shape. Despite his apparent physical strength, once the crushing fear of an anxiety attack hit him, he was still brought to his knees.
Greg: I had gotten to the point of working out on my own. While Evan and Ron were playing video games I was getting in the best shape of my life.
Evan: Greg’s panic attacks were initially a frightening ordeal. I eventually became accustomed to being woken up in the middle of the night when he thought he was dying. It was during these instances that I had to be the most patient to reassure him. Even though I knew he was not going to die, I truly had no comprehension of what he was experiencing, or of the intense fear he felt. This was to be his last panic attack.
Greg: Waking up with a racing heart and feeling like I was about to die was not uncommon. My body did what it pleased and it never hesitated to wake me up in a full-blown panic attack. I went into my brother’s room for comfort and rather than assist me he took pictures! I'm thankful that he did. The world needs to see what suffering exists behind the closed doors of so many people throughout the world.
Evan: After years of emotional neglect Greg began looking for a person who would truly care for him. He was uncertain as to what type of woman would be interested in a man who still had issues with anxiety. This picture was taken on his first date with Jen, when Greg had asked if I could accompany them for assurance. Jen had the patience and compassion to see past his faults to the man he truly is.
Greg: This picture is basically my first date in almost a decade. I have no idea what prompted me to get involved so soon after my separation. I don’t know if it was divine intervention but Jen became my greatest support throughout my hardships. She accepted me broken, with a child, recently separated, and unable to date without a chaperone. I was a pretty good catch huh? Jen is one of those rare human beings who weeded through all the baggage. She saw me and accepted me for who I am and she saved my life.
Evan: A few months after my arrival, Greg was starting to show signs that he was ready to look towards the future, instead of letting the past 10 years of pain govern his life. Greg is an amazing musician but never had the confidence to pursue it fully. Here he is trying out a few guitars before finding the sound that will take him to the next level.
Greg: One of the very few activities that I enjoy is playing my guitar. I get drawn into the music and I can escape the anxiety and worry that gripped my life. The experience that I have with guitars is always positive. I get into a zone and melt right into the moment. I think my ability to play comes from my heart because it's only by living life through our hearts that we get the chance to live passionately in the moment.
Evan: In a significant reversal of roles, Greg is seen here taking care of Jen at the hospital after she had experienced some worrying symptoms. They remained at the hospital all night long as he refused to leave until he was assured by doctors that she was alright.
Greg: On this particular night Jen was unwell. Since she is a kidney transplant recipient I wanted to ensure that everything was o.k. The tables had turned and I found myself caring for her in the same way she had cared for me. We spent eight hours in the ER and left at around four in the morning. It was a challenge for me to be selfless but I was determined to ensure she was going to be o.k. and she was.
Evan: Being in a much better place mentally, physically, and emotionally, Greg is able to have a more fulfilling relationship with his son.
Greg: I'm very happy. I get to be a dad again.
Evan: Because of her love and her full support, Jen has made a significant contribution to Greg’s recovery in such a short time.
Greg: How could it get any better? I had a new guitar and a new girlfriend and she supported everything about me. The city was a new and exciting experience.
Evan: Within months of being with my brother, he had improved so greatly that he was finally confident enough to pursue his music career. This is his very first performance at an open mic night in Toronto. He was so well received that he was invited back to host his own show.
Greg: My first live show was nerve-racking but fun. I never thought I would be on stage doing what I love to do. Evan pushed me to do it and I'm glad he did because I needed to know what it felt like to play live. I had always wanted to but my life before was limited and bleak.
Evan: This final photo is a self portrait taken while alone in the city. Greg now has minimal issues with his anxiety and he is committed to leading a normal life in which he is not dependent on anyone. He has been able to conquer his fears through patience, perseverance, and most of all positivity.
Greg: Here I am alone in my favourite park in Toronto. I was able to walk there by myself. Sadly, this is the day that Evan boarded a plane to head back to Australia so the moment is bitter sweet. If you haven’t experienced the selfless sacrifice of another, I urge you to do such an act for the people that you love. It was through his love, patience and hope for me that he flew across the world to offer me a life. He left his love, his job, and his life to come to my aid when nobody could help me. I was close to suicide when he came and when he left I was a new man. He gave me the chance to be a good dad. Selflessness is rare and should be cherished because to live a life for our own desire is human, but to live a life in service to others, that’s divine. I hope this inspires others to come to the aid of those in need. The reward is in knowing that, for once in our lives, we chose to act like God.